Ladies, gentlemen, thank you for coming to this ribbon-cutting, or, more accurately, switch-throwing ceremony. Although to be even more accurate, we're just going to type a command into this workstation -- this humble, normal-looking workstation, but behind it, so much glorious technology! As you all know, this event …

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“Dad, why are we going fishing? Water’s scary.” “For a long time, people have fished to eat. But also, because it’s fun.” “But dad, we’re just throwing the fish back.” “Yes, but it’s still fun.” “But we don’t have to eat, because we’re robots.” “True.” “So why is it fun for us?” “The same reason why we take newly-made …

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My TODO list is glaring at me. Let me scroll on Instagram for another 5 minutes, and then I’ll choose an item to do. OK, that was actually a half hour, but it’s fine. A lot of these tasks are super simple. I just have to actually do them. Let me look again. OK. Buy my friend’s birthday gift. That’s an easy one. I can …

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My friend lives in another state. Unreasonable behavior, all reasonable people live in Pennsylvania, because that’s where I live. Certainly, if they’re reasonable and my friend, they would! She doesn’t even really have friends in this state; I don’t know why she moved there. To get further away from her parents, right. …

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I am the only person at the bar. Tomorrow, all bars are closed. Working from home means working at a friend’s place, right? Fun! Until the friends’ roommates "feel uncomfortable." "Out of an abundance of caution... Just two weeks, until the hospitals are not overwhelmed." In my old office, picking …

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